Paul McNeil

I remember turning 40 in Richmond, Virginia and on the eve of my 40th birthday doing two back to back sessions of Bikram Hot Yoga which was 180 minutes in a 105 degree temperature room.  But I weighted what I weigh now.  Maybe I’m not in too bad of physical shape.  It’s just my back hurts, that all.  Just walked for 1  hour and it’s 96 degrees outside.  I’m soaked with sweat.  I want to get back to where I was at 40 and each step, every small portion of food is bring closer to my goal. 

Maybe my yoga will never be the same after the injuries, but that’s okay you know.  It takes quite a bit of acceptance.  I’ll keep drinking tea, meditating and doing what I can of the mat.  I’m not hurting with grief so much like I was months ago when I was really in a lot of pain.

Someone asked me to me him for coffee.  I don’t really want to go to Union City, NJ this afternoon, but maybe I’ll have a good time.  People think enough of me to call.  But not too many AA people unfortunately, or maybe fortunately. The one’s that do usually turn me off with their advice or narrow-minded opinions.  Get this through your thick skull!  If I want advice I’ll ask you for it.

There’s a story my dad loves to tell about something he saw at work one day.  There was a army of ants struggling to get a rather large piece of bread up a wall to their nest and he observed this activity throughout the day.  At about lunchtime they were almost to the top of the wall.  Then a large cockroach came out of a crack in the corner and taking the piece of bread from the ants.  I think of this story from time to time and it is so much like life.  When will the roach show up and takes what we’ve worked so hard for.  There’s a Zen master that said once that life is like walking down to the dock, getting into a boat, sailing off into the sunset and eventially sinking.  It occured to me this morning that is important to me to that I renew my comittment to non-attachment and living freely and happily.  My money, my health, my youth [I'm 42 haha] my relationships…..  It will all end someday you know and you really don’t own anything when you really think about it.  The cockroach will eventially, someday, somehow, have his day.